


Unspoken Words

by lervinsmiss, ShippingEruri (shippingeruri)



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst, Diary/Journal, Falling In Love, Grief/Mourning, Hurt, Hurt No Comfort, LLF Comment Project, Love Confessions, Love Letters, M/M, Mutual Pining, non-binary Hange
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-16
Updated: 2018-02-16
Packaged: 2019-03-16 02:46:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 5
Words: 7,349
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13626957
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lervinsmiss/pseuds/lervinsmiss, https://archiveofourown.org/users/shippingeruri/pseuds/ShippingEruri
Summary: Erwin is gone. Dead.Levi remains. Alive? Barely...An unexpected finding brings back Erwin to Levi's heart and soul and reveals unspoken words.For ultimate canon pain, please listen tothis album.~~~Created within the frame of the Eruri Valentine’s Weekend 2018. Combining the prompt "(Love) Letters" with the task: Collaborate with a partner of your choice.We don't know how the sadness got in there...





	1. Chapter 1

Months had slipped by so blurred, so rushed. Levi couldn’t keep track, couldn’t tell one day from the next or the one before it. He was in a dream state, always. A piece of his mind there still; there on the rooftop, his heart stop-starting and the air not quite reaching his lungs and the blood and the rubble and the screams.

He would push it down every day. His lungs would fill and his heart would keep beating and his feet carried him forward. And nothing was real and the days didn’t pass and they went too quickly. So it shocked him the day Hange came, seeking him out with a sad smile and a bottle of something fine and expensive from the capital that they didn’t make anymore. Hadn’t made since the world had fallen apart the first time.

When they saw the emptiness in his eyes and the sunken paleness of his face, the smile slipped away to something much more pitying.

“It’s his birthday.” He saw the words on their lips more than heard it. 

More than a year already and he hadn’t even noticed how the days began to grow cooler. How the night came earlier and earlier, claiming the sky with it’s darkness.

He pushed the door open and stepped aside to admit them without a word.

Hange looked around his tidy room; the floors swept and mopped, not a speck of dust or cobweb in the corners, the bed they knew he never used bade up with neat folds and tight tucks, and the desk with neat stacks of papers bare of anything personal. 

Hange put the bottle down on the desk with a heavy thunk and dropped into the empty chair with a similar disregard, hands dangling between their knees.

“I know this hasn’t been easy, Levi.” 

His lips curved into something like a sneer, “Oh, do you think?” He rasped, so unused to speaking these day.

Hange snapped at his petulance, “Do you think it’s been easy for me?” their voice reverberated around the tiny room, bounced off the barren walls. “Don’t you think I might miss him too? I’m completely out of my depth, here!” They heaved, “I can’t tell you what I’d give to just speak to him for an hour.”

The things he would give to have him back, for a moment even, just a glimpse. He had thought of it many times. But he would never voice that. And it wasn’t Hange’s fault.

He sunk down onto the bed.

“Where did you find that?” He croaked, nodding at the bottle with his chin.

Hange looked down a bit sheepish. “In one of his drawers.” Levi shifted uncomfortably. He’d hardly been in those rooms since they’d returned. Even when his feet carried him through the corridors in the dead of night to that door, he couldn’t bring himself to cross the threshold.

“He left so many instructions, so much to help us it’s just- it’ll never be enough.”

Levi noded.

“Pass that here.” He motioned for the bottle and examined the cork, unopened. “What a shame.” Levi tuted.

“I think he would have wanted us to enjoy it- in his absence.” 

“Agreed.” Levi broke the seal, pulled out the cork and took a long glug, throwing his head back and hissing as it burned down his throat and landed heavy in his belly.

He passed the bottle back to Hange, who held it up in toast “To our Commander!” and took a swig.

They carried on passing the bottle in silence until Hange gathered their courage and took a steadying breath.

“I can never be him, Levi.” They sighed. “But I have to try to- I don’t know, carry his flame or something.” They were trying to string thoughts together in a haze. “I can’t do this alone.” 

Levi looked up.

“I don’t have anyone left.” Their one good eye fixed on him. He nodded and took a deep swill from the bottle and then stood.

“Mind if I hold onto this?” 

Hange looked to him with such dismay but pressed their lips into a thin line and nodded as Levi crossed the room and opened the door for them to leave.

“Thanks for the company.” He muttered to Hange as they passed and didn’t bristle when they patted his arm.

He drank alone, trying not to think. Of Hange and their one pleading eye, of all they still had ahead of them. Of Erwin and all the time he hadn’t gotten. 

He found himself carried through the dark halls by muscle memory. Found himself in front of that door whose notches and whorls he knew know better than his own hands and pressed himself against the timbers. He wished he could have been that door so that he could have watched the man who’d toiled beyond that threshold all the hours he hadn’t been there to witness for himself. Wished he’d broken this door down years ago and freed the man when he’d still had time.

He pressed the handle down and heard the click like an echo. He pushed and the door swung open. He took a step, then another. He half expected to see him sat there across the room where a sheet now hung over the old worn desk like a shroud.

How fitting.

Levi reached out and ripped the sheet away, nose stinging at the dust the filled the air.

Without the pages and ledgers and maps that had always littered the surface, he barely recognized it but for the black stain in one roughened corner where an inkwell had once been spilled. He traced the chips and gashes with his fingertips and looked around. Hange had cleared out the maps and ledgers and anything else they might need and still the shelves of the book cases bowed under the weight of so much leather and paper. Books Erwin had poured over many nights, his hands had touched them all, his mouth had formed the words on their pages, lips moving in time with his quick eyes. He tried not to conjure up that blue. 

Levi set the bottle on the the desk and sank into the chair as his legs gave out. It was probably a mistake to come here. But the liquor in his veins was feeding into his brain and he felt to warm and fluid to stop his hands from wandering towards the drawer to his right.

He pulled and the drawer still with a light scrape of wood against wood. Empty.  
He tried the next, swollen wood groaning and juddering open. Empty.  
For nothing better to do, he pulled the bottom drawer open and was surprised to feel the hollow sinking feeling in his chest throb with disappointment. Empty.

Levi slammed the drawer violently but he froze at a clunk and shuffling from within.

He pulled the drawer open slowly and scrutinized it’s plain wooden innards. He fumbled for the letter opener left behind by Hange’s campaign on the office and slid it along the seam. The false bottom gave and Levi lifted it with trembling fingers, revealing a set of well-worn leather journals, bound up with cord. 

He lifted them out like they might evaporate in his hands and placed them gently on the desk. He stared, breath coming in staggering rasps and he took up the bottle once more and finished off the dregs. 

He reached for the first journal, tugged at it’s binding and took a deep breath as if he were leaping off a ledge into a deep channel.


	2. Chapter 2

  
Mike surely was glad to get rid of the smell of the underground after our return.

This man's eyes are of a colour that is so hard to describe. There is hate there, so much hate and anger.

\---

   
I hope Flagon will manage to integrate them.

He moves like a predator, like an untamed animal.

\---

   
I feel prepared.

His potential unfolds yet I fear for his friends.

\---

   
I couldn't prevent what happened, it was beyond my control.

Seeing him like this is a terrible reminder of the losses we suffer for this cause. I had almost forgotten the pain.  
The scars that his blade left will forever remind me.

\---

   
I don't know how to feel about Commander Shadis' invitation.

His eyes seem to get softer, the anger and hate ebb away more and more with every day … but maybe just to make room for sorrow? A delayed mourning? Only time will tell. His eyes have a fascinating colour. Unlike anything I've ever seen.

  
\---

  
Hange will have to face the truth.

Lately, I find myself thinking about him. The weeks he has spent here seem to fly and I have hardly had a chance to speak with him. Yet I feel like he doesn't want me near him... and it is understandable. Considering that we haven't necessarily had the best start.

\---

   
Those kinds of events will never be something I'm very fond of.

We seem to encounter each other more and more often now and I must admit that I find myself smiling whenever we do. I'd like to speak to him, get to know him better. But I'm not sure if he's yet willing to.

\---

  
I'm looking forward to visiting my mother since it has been a few months already.

Today he smiled. His eyes lit up, revealing even more fascinating shades in those intense dark shards and I could clearly see the corners of his mouth moving up with a curled lip. But when I approached him, he backed away, avoiding my eyes as his steps carried him past me with slightly red tainted cheeks.

  
\---

   
I do understand Mike's concerns in this matter and will think about a possible solution.

We had a talk yesterday. Rather short but very enjoyable. It was refreshing to hear his voice, to look into his eyes from up close although he had tried to avoid looking at me directly. It was interesting to … have him speak so frankly with me. Not many people in the military find such blunt words for their superiors. I am thankful though and I hope we can build on this.

\---

  
I respect Mike's decision and hope he will be satisfied with the outcome.

My mind keeps returning to our encounter the other day. The scent that was clinging to him was so … pleasant. Light, fresh and clean. I really want to talk to him more, want to look into those captivating eyes …

\---

 

I hope my mother won't mind that I still don't intend to get married.

We talked again and his body language was different from our last meeting. His arms weren't crossed in front of his chest but fidgeting with his sleeves. I'm not sure if I make him feel uncomfortable still – I wish he would talk to me more often. 

  
Although he is of rather small stature I can tell from his actions in combat and from looking at him that his body must be quite … impressive. This time there was a scent of tea following him and it was suiting him equally well with his full, dark hair and those little sparkles in his eyes that seemed to dance whenever he would glare up to me and reply – in his own unique way.

  
\--- 

  
The cake I brought back would have been enough to feed two squads and yet Mike managed to eat half of it upon my return.

I invited Levi to my office. We had some of my mother's apple cake and a cup of tea. He seemed surprised about my invitation yet he followed it, moving carefully in my rather small office.

 

Behind the privacy of a closed door, it felt like we are so much closer than we should be – considering how unfamiliar we are with one another. Yet it feels natural and I found myself staring at him, studying his features as he was eating the cake with such a delighted expression on his face. His scent was captivating once more and the elegance in his movement caught my attention as well.

 

I was daring and took the chance when it was there. Some cake found its way onto his cravat – that suits him extraordinarily well – and I picked it up but not without touching his skin. It felt soft and I was tempted to … touch his lips as well, maybe even steal a kiss but I didn't since Levi looked at me with widened eyes and I figured that he must not feel comfortable.

\--- 

  
I respect Hange but I see why others have problems with them.

For some days I had the impression that he was avoiding me for how I overstepped his boundaries.  
But today he suddenly knocked on my door and we had a chat, as if nothing ever had happened, just picking up where we left the other day. He is easy to get along with – if one respects him.

 

I must admit, my eyes focused on the sharp jaw line and the fine lips one time too many maybe.

\--- 

  
I see where Commander Shadis' fear is coming from and I will try my best.

His visits at my office have become quite a regular – to be precise: daily – occurrence and we have become some sort of close acquaintances. Slowly I get to know more about him while he seems to be eager to get to know more about me.

 

There's something to it that tells me that he might be interested in me in another way than just having friendly conversations with me. But it also might be that I'm imagining things … it has been quite a while…

I enjoy having him around me regardless. His company truly helps me to feel human.

\--- 

  
My time schedule is exhausted and yet I feel like it is still not enough.

Due to my filled schedules our encounters have changed.  
His visits come later but last longer and we turned from late night conversations over a glass of wine to heated kisses. Was it ... him? Or me? Both of us, probably ... because it feels right and good.

 

I will never forget the look on his face before our lips touched for the first time. He looked so pure and raw, vulnerable, human and in my eyes just beautiful with all there is to him.

\--- 

  
I am not sure if this expedition is thoroughly planned enough yet.

I enjoy his company immensely, although I also find his presence quite a distracting. I catch myself staring at him across the room when I should be focusing on reports. The way his hair falls over his dainty ears and the curve of his nose are much more attractive than my work…in many ways.

 

I made a bit of an embarrassment of myself in a meeting with Shadis the other day when my mind wandered to the thought of his beautiful neck, how it leads into his powerful shoulders and the graceful line of his spine down to the spread of his hips. I think I must have been very red when I was brought back from my day-dreaming with a sharp question. I will have to be more careful about letting my imagination run wild.

\--- 

  
I should let my mother know about the upcoming expedition.

The time I spend with him has become so precious to me. I have started to invite him over to my private rooms and sometimes he will stay the night. Sometimes we talk until the sun rises. I spend all day long remembering the feeling of his weight in my arms while I run my fingers through his hair and he draws circles on my body with his nimble fingers.

 

I've said this before but it all feels so natural.

\--- 

  
Commander Shadis will need to consider this option, whether he likes to admit or not.

Things are changing between us. The connection we have, the words we share – I feel like this has grown larger than I could have imagined.

 

I want him to be with me, to be by my side. I want to hold him, want to be there for him. I want to make him blush with compliments, whisper sweet things into his ear while we are together. I am addicted to touching him with my hands, lips, fingers, feel his skin, his hair, his body, every muscle – yet I can't express my admiration for him.

 

And yet I know it could never be possible. He would never have it, he is not one for grand gestures nor does he appreciate my sweet words. We are both men of the military, very well-aware that every mission could be our last one and I don't want to destroy this but take what I get from him, what he is willing to give to me and keep silent for the rest.

 ***

Levi sank back in the chair and let his eyes rove over the journal. The neat lines scrawled in Erwin’s hand over the creamy texture of the pages. He thumbed through them, reverently touched at the ink, long ago dried and melded into the fibers of the paper. Erwin was here in this journal. He was still alive in these pages.

A young man. A grown man. An officer recording his daily thoughts and hopes and trivialities. All the little side notes and notions on his life.

It was too much and not enough. Unbearable, yet he couldn’t stop himself from reading, his attention caught by a sketch in the margins.

A bird in flight. Erwin hadn’t been an artist by any means but its wings were clearly drawn outstretched, soaring. Levi scanned the entry. His heart skipped a beat and raced to catch itself up.

_ He  _ was in these pages. 

He slammed the book shut, the slap of the leather binding on wood ringing through the dusty air.

_ Of course he had. _ Of course he would have written about the day they’d met. The day he’d caught Levi.

He took a shuddering breath and picked the journal up in a shaking hand. 

He opened to a new page, there was so much more. So much more about  _ him. _

His heart sank to his stomach and leapt up into his throat with every mention of  _ him.  _ Erwin hadn’t even written his name. He might have tried to pretend it was someone else recorded in these pages if he didn’t remember all the details himself; every chance encounter, every late night meeting, every lingering touch. Why had he written every foolish word down? 

His fingers came up to his own lips, replaying their first kiss and his mind swam, drowned in every memory Erwin had written down.  His eyes pinched shut, fighting against a wave of warmth that spread and pooled in the pit of his stomach. It had been so long since he felt anything at all, it was so foreign. 

He cursed himself. He felt like an intruder on his own past. Erwin had desired him once, craved him once before the world had all turned to shit. But they’d decided to be soldiers first and forget they were men with hearts made for anything but war. It stung.  _ Burned _ him and still he read on, desperate for that lost feeling, for the words he’d never been strong enough to say when Erwin was alive and near enough to hold on to.

The entries petered out quickly and suddenly the pages ran blank. He felt robbed, as if a door had been opened back to Erwin but the room behind it was empty like this damned office. Then he remembered the second journal. He looked to the desk where it sat in front of him, waiting. Beconing. 


	3. Chapter 3

  
By now everyone should be well aware of my appointment as Commander of the Scouting Legion.

Since I took up the position we have barely seen each other outside of official business. The people need us and I need to stay focused. With Shadis passing on his position to me I am now in charge for not only my soldier but also humanities’ hope. And now I do have a position where I can make a difference. I hope he understands…

\---

My mother probably will never fully understand but I hope she doesn't suffer for my choices too much.

Everything is piling up and all so overwhelmingly. I have only seen Levi  
in private twice in the last months. He seems to be more distant than before and I was probably a bit too rough with him. I feel like it might be better if we cut this off, end it for the sake of both of us.

I do plan to assign him the rank of a Captain.

\---

   
My visit to the capital is inevitable.

I wish to take him with me. Despite the distance that has pushed us farther apart recently. Maybe I'm too lonely now and my desire to take him with me to the capital is just a desperate attempt to rekindle that connection I once felt.

I miss him. I miss his company at night, I miss his body and I miss what he and I used to have.

\---

  
I am a fool. What was I thinking? Am I so caught up with my duties as Commander that I am no longer able to make decisions for my own satisfaction and happiness?

 

To see his eyes spark up again when I had asked him to accompany me filled my heart with joy. It was wonderful and although I had to attend some official meetings and events we connected again, continued from where we had stopped before I put my duties before my feelings.

We'll receive the new recruits soon and that will take up both our time greatly, but I feel there is a chance we can be happy and further this cause, together.

\--- 

  
I could not have prepared for what happened that day. How could we have prepared. We couldn’t do anything. What am I supposed to do now? I need to try my best to stop this absurd mission to reclaim the land with civilians … I want to free humanity, not doom her.

And sometimes he comes to my room anyway. Without any words we embrace and touch the other and I feel like drowning in him, his scent, his body, his soul. I want to say so many things to him, but I can't.

I feel so empty and alone again when he leaves. We can't have … whatever it is that we could have in another time … this with everything going on in this world that is happening right now.

I feel him slipping away every day – because we need to … because I need to – but we are very close in terms to reaching some sort of progress. I value his ideas, his input, and his views on things.

\---

With Eren's power on our side I feel like we can make a change. Finally.

It was good that he was there and I appreciate that he did what he did - although his rather unique ways might have upset more people than actually convince them for now.

With him by my side, I feel that ‘hope’ is not only a word but something to grasp. His mind is brilliant and I hope he sees… feels that I want him around me. Not only for his abilities but for my own selfish needs. And with our mission now proceeding, the time we spend together will increase again.

He grounds me, he helps me feel human and when I touch him, it feels like the world stops and only the two of us exist.

***

Levi understood immediately why Erwin had quit using his old journal. He must have locked that one away in his desk as soon as he’d been promoted. He couldn’t have the scandalizing details of his private affairs falling into the wrong hands. This, this was the Commander’s private journal.

He’d been so fucking, stupidly naive about it all back then. And Erwin had made it painfully clear where they both stood. And then as if to add insult to the injury, he’d gone and made him  _ captain _ . Like it was supposed to make up for it all. Like he should be happy to settle for being the prize weapon in his armory.

Levi felt sick. 

He’d still wanted Erwin so desperately despite it all. And Erwin had still been only human too. But Levi had been certain, had convinced himself it was only sex, only a quick fuck here and there. To take the edge off, to feel anything. He had reminded himself of that over and over again on nights that he’d found himself in Erwin’s bed again, breathing in his scent and clinging onto a hope, a fantasy he would never make a reality.

And now that he was reading the same desperate wishes in Erwin’s own hand, he wanted to scream. He wanted to tear the pages apart. The tears that pricked at his eyes and blurred the words before him filled him with equal rage.

But he knew now, he knew for sure it wasn’t Erwin who had wanted to draw a wedge between them. They hadn’t had a choice in the matter. 

The walls had fallen, the war had come to them and they had done what needed doing. For humanity. To survive. To get to this point now.

Levi wished it hadn’t come to this. But for a little while they’d had each other. They’d had a little comfort. Erwin had found comfort in him.

His chest ached with this new knowledge but his heavy heart lightened a bit and he read on. Hoping for just a little more, a little more of Erwin’s mind to carry him over.


	4. Chapter 4

I try to move forward. This pain is so great, but I have work to do.  
We must continue.

\---

I think of all the times he sat with me. Writing reports late at night.

Everything he does for me now, I can never repay it all.

I think I would be dead without him.

\---

 

My hand cramps very quickly these days. He chides me for overworking, much like he always did before. I am forced to stop more frequently and he jokes that he should have broken my hands years ago.

It is a relief to have him scold me, I know in his own way it means much more. And it’s far better than the pain I’ve seen on his face so often since that day.

My mother visited, I wish they both could comfort each other. I see the same pain in both their eyes.

\---

  
Hange has done much to help. I regain more strength every day. I may even wear my gear again someday if their alterations work. Although there are some who think I should not, for several reasons.  


I must remember how little time we have now and there is so much left to do.  
These next steps could be my last. Sometimes I think I only survived this long to become a sacrifice. I know many don’t understand.

At least I have his support, if nothing else. I wish I could tell him.  
what frightens me most is losing him.

But I must place humanity’s needs above my own if we are to succeed.

\---

The things I have done- what I ordered, I had to for us to move forward and free ourselves. I am lucky to be able to see this mission through as I have hoped I would for so long.

The people see now. We have their support. We have hope.

And I have him. I’m thankful everyday I could come back to him.

\---

  
I know the threats he makes are out of fear. It’s wishful thinking for me to hear them as... caring, for more than just my position as Commander. I know he won’t speak more openly. And to have him by my side in this, I can not ask for more.

I feel prepared. I will lead my men to the freedom we have fought for. I will learn the truth I’ve suspected all these years.

I hope my mother will be proud. I will prove my father right.

***

With a deep breath he turned the page, his heart beating wild in his chest as the words written on paper had revealed Erwin's sentimental side once more.  
  
“Dopy idiot.”, he thought and smiled.  
  
But then his eyes widened, his jaws clenched together and the fine eyebrows furrowed. A painful expression spread on his face as his breath started to get uneasy, fingers reaching out to touch the dried ink again.  
  
“I should have stopped you back then...”, Levi murmured as his chin dropped to his chest and he closed his eyes for a moment.  
  
The memories were clear and he remembered all to well. How he was informed about Erwin's situation, how he had rushed to him, how he had stayed by his side, watched over him. How unreal it all was to see Erwin like this... weak, vulnerable, not in control.  
  
Levi remembered the moment Erwin woke up and the relief he had felt when he had been able to look into this endlessly deep blue eyes again.   
  
And he remembered how incredibly strong Erwin had been, how he had practised doing everything with his left hand, how he wouldn't let something like a missing limb take control over his life.   
The courage it must have cost a man like Erwin to ask for help...   
  
Oh how Levi had loved to help Erwin, spending time with him, staying in his room, being there for him, getting to see an even more human side of this man who had to the outside world still tried to hold up a strong facade.  
  
Practising writing with Erwin had been something intimate on a completely different level. In the beginning Erwin had preferred to not share more than his signature with anyone but Levi and he had been the only one that had seen this writing that now unfolded on the pages in front of him.  
  
Nobody but Levi knew about this, something he would take to the grave with him.  
  
It somehow made Levi happy to see that Erwin took the effort and time to write into his personal journal anyway... and yet he could clearly see Erwin's dark thoughts shining through his shaky scrawling letters. His sorrow and depression being heavy on his mind, mostly kept to himself and yet sometimes Levi had seen Erwin's cracks.  
  
He had seen the true Erwin, the man of hopes and dreams of fear and insecurity. And he was now seeing all that reflected again in the entries he was reading like an intruder...  
  
For a moment Levi felt like stopping, putting the journals back in place, pretend he never did find them... but then what? Keep on his miserable existence the way he had been the last months? Let someone else read these entries of a man that was admired by so many towards the end of his life? It wasn’t like they had appreciated him when he had written them, when he was alive.  
  
Erwin had poured so much of his heart and soul into this that Levi couldn't stop reading it – because this was the first time since he was gone that Levi felt like actually having some sort of connection with him, a conversation of some kind.  
  
The way he wrote about him made it so... unreal. Like a dream. All these words never had been spoken out loud.


	5. Chapter 5

The last entry lay heavy in Levi’s stomach… leaving him with an uncertain feeling as he shifted in the chair that started to sting like needles. There was no doubt this had been Erwin's last entry before their final mission. He knew it would have been his final entry.

His fingers hastily skimmed through empty pages, eyes scanning for more… more of Erwin. More of his words and more of his soul. Levi pressed his jaws together as he felt anger rising… there was nothing more written in here. He slammed the journal close.

He had read it all and that was all that he would ever get from Erwin. This was an addition to what he had thought would have been it already… he should be thankful, cherish the words he was able to read… maybe even dare to phrase them as a form of appreciation that he had never and would never receive from someone else again.

“Why did I follow your last order?”, Levi whispered with a voice that sounded like it didn’t belong to him as he leaned back with a sigh, eyelids heavy as tears threatened to break through the dark lashes.

He ran a hand across his face, taking a deep breath as he reached out for the leather bound journal with his right hand and pulled it close. He leaned back, eyes fixed to the ceiling before he closed his eyes again… The leather scent reminded him of Erwin… how he used to sharpen his shaving razor on the leather he had taken over from his father. Levi had loved to listen to Erwin, to hear his voice, to see his smile, to see his eyes brighten up - and he had loved to hear his stories. And yet he felt like he had hardly known this man that meant the world to him.

His fingers traced the leather binding and in a desperate attempt to get more words out of the barely filled journal, he opened it above his head again, staring up into the fine paper, crafted by a master’s hand. Everything about this journal was screaming “Erwin” at him - a man of perfection and with an eye for the detail.

And just when he was about to close the journal again, something caught his attention. The back part of the journal felt different than the front.

Levi furrowed his brows as he sat upright again, placed the journal on the desk and opened the very last page. And indeed there was a pocket in the back, making the leather even thicker.

His nasal wings widened as shaky fingers carefully opened the pouch-like pocket and then his heart stopped along with his ability to breathe.

All of a sudden his small, dark world seemed to crush above his head while his heart and lungs were screaming for a breath, for oxygen, screaming ‘Survive!’ at him. An uncontrolled sob left his throat as he indeed found his way back to breathing again.

His shaky hands held the envelope as gently as if it was made out of egg shells and at the same time as hard as if he could stop the pain in his chest if he would squeeze it with enough force.

“ _Levi”_

Nothing more, nothing less, was written on the envelope that he turned over between his fingers. Eyes wide in fear, in disbelief, in hope? Levi no longer knew what he should feel, think or why he was here and had started reading Erwin’s private journals….

But he couldn’t prevent his shaky fingers from picking up the letter opener once more. With meticulous precision he carefully sliced open the envelope. His heart was racing, his eyes were widened and he was holding his breath until he finally freed the letter inside, slowly unfolding it.

Levi,

I do not know when this letter will reach you or if it will ever get to you. I do not know if I will be able to hand it to you or if I will be too afraid in the end.

Because although many consider me a brave man, I do not feel brave. Not at all. Especially when it comes to me and you.

Therefore I am trying to find words on paper... and I hope you can bear with my handwriting – although it has improved quite a lot since you started practising with me. Thank you.

Losing my arm has made me realise that losing does not mean giving up. Mike always used to say: "As long as we can fight, we can not give up" – and I hold these words even dearer to me now that I lost a part of my body.

Luckily it has brought back another part of my life into my life.

Losing my arm has brought you back to me and I couldn't be more thankful for it.

Since the day I first lay my eyes upon you I couldn't help but be drawn to you. Being around you always was refreshing and you certainly played a bigger role in me being able to fulfill my daily duties than you might be aware of right now.

When Farlan and Isabel were taken from you I felt like losing the original you, too. So my offer to chose to follow me was a desperate attempt to show you that you were important to me, that I cared for you, that I wanted you around me.

It took us quite a while to … get anywhere and when we slowly got closer, I realized that not only did I physically find you attractive but also that I wanted to know more about you.

Our daily conversations always have been so dear to me. I love the sound of your voice, I love the way your lip curls when you drink your tea, I love the way your eyebrows furrow when you narrow your eyes and above all: I love what you have to say, Levi.

I value your views and ideas and I admire you for everything that you have done and achieved in your life. You are by far one of the most outstanding people I have ever met.

I felt… relieved and to a certain degree honoured that you would react positively to my advances.

You made me really happy the day we shared our first kiss and you made me even happier when you allowed me to explore your body, to kiss you all over, to touch you, to feel you, to make myself addicted to your whole being.

Because in the end... that is the truth, Levi. The truth I don't know how to tell you, when to tell you. The further our lives have moved the more complicated everything has gotten and we at some point almost … lost what we had.

So I am very lucky and utmost thankful that my accident has brought you back to me – I value your presence even more than before. Without you, I would be a shadow of myself, without you, I would not be who I am today. And the man I am today is a person that I hope people will remember in a positive light.

I know I have very little control over that but I hope that at the very least, Levi, you can remember me as someone who was worthy of following. You gave so much of yourself to me; your strength and courage, your patience and understanding when I rarely even understood myself. You gave me more than I deserved and I know I gave you mostly hardship. But I hope you can see how deeply I have always valued and appreciated everything you have ever done for me.

If I can come back from our reclamation with you, if we both return perhaps I’ll be brave enough to tell you these things myself. Face to face, seeing your eyes, touching your face, feeling your heartbeat while I will be the bravest I have ever been.

But you and I both know the reality of what we are about to face. And how precarious our odds are. If I fail, please know that I have always been fighting for you, Levi, as much as for my own dreams. You’ve asked me so many times these past months what I will do if I am able to realise that dream and I have evaded your questions every time because it am so afraid to let myself think of that far off possibility.

Let me tell you here. If I see my goal to its end, if we succeed and reclaim the wall and I am still standing and you are still standing by my side with me at the end of all of this I will Love you Levi. I will shout it from the top of the walls. I’ve wanted to so many times since I first realised the depth of my admiration for you and knew I could no longer ignore my feelings.I will love you every day that is to come, more than I ever have all of the days that came before now. I will love you with my dying breath and until the last stars fade in the sky.

I pray that I survive long enough to tell you so myself. Because you deserve the truth and honesty - and the truth is that I do love you, Levi, and I have for a long time already.

With hope,

Erwin

 

 

Levi slumped back in the chair. He reread the letter, almost forgot to blink. He read it over again. Until the words sunk in, until they stopped making sense, until they ran through his veins like his own blood, until they were filling his every cell in his body. He couldn’t read them anymore for the tears streaming, no matter how he wiped at them. A levee had been torn down and he was drowning in it now.

“Fucking bastard.” He grasped the letter like a lifeline.

He could strangle Erwin if he were in front of him now. He would curse him until he was blue in the face, have him on his knees begging for mercy.

And of course he would forgive him for it all of it.

If the man materialized in front of him now he’d kick him as soon as he’d kiss him. He’d cling to him as soon as he’d pushed him.

But he wouldn’t. He couldn’t.

Why hadn’t he kissed him every chance he’d had? Why hadn’t he been braver than Erwin? Just this one time.

He traced over the words that melted in his bleary vision, tears threatening to run down his face again.

He’d loved him. Oh, had he loved him.

It’s why he had hurt so deeply for the past year that he’d lost all his senses. It had been too painful to feel, but now he felt it all at once.

His body shook with it.

Erwin had been so strong and calculating. Damn stubborn and brilliant and idealistic and hopeful and too beautiful for his own good and stupid.

So, so stupid.

And Levi had been too, to let Erwin march them all out to witness his undoing.

He sat there for, he didn’t know how long-hiccuping through his tears and when he came to he folded the letter up, pressed it to his lips while inhaling deeply and tucked it into his jacked beside his heart.

He tied the journals up and closed the desk drawer.

  
***

A week later he looked out over a vast blue ocean, more dazzling than even Erwin had described and he smiled to himself as he placed his hand on his heart near the letter.

“We made it.” He whispered and took a deep breath, eyes closed, as a gust of air came running through his hair.

Levi let Hange grip his shoulder and he thumped them on the back.

The next day he sent the journals out to Erwin’s mother along with a short letter. He wanted to let her know they had made it. She would want to know that her son’s wish had been fulfilled… that all his sacrifices and above all his death, hadn’t been in vain.

There was only one more thing to do - fulfill his promise.

Fulfill the promise that he had given to the man that had loved him and that Levi still loved with all his heart.

**Author's Note:**

> This story is part of the [LLF Comment Project](https://longlivefeedback.tumblr.com/llfcommentproject) whose goal is to improve communication between readers and authors. This author invites and will reply to:
> 
>   * Short comments
>   * Long comments
>   * Questions
>   * “<3” as extra kudos
> 



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